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Koochi

Goodbye Oxford..

Back in Oxford after a month in Tehran, I am sitting here in Shiva's room, sending my last Oxford post.. It felt really weird to be back in town, in the Iffley house with my dear Chery, in the college and in tarbouch. It has been raining non stop since I arrived, and the smell of rain and the damp grass has been around all the time. Again, I was humbled by how my friends treated me, how they surprised me the first night with that email of "The girls in town" and how they made it to the pub, how they gethered in Royal Oak after so long, and how they made me feel they have really missed me the way I Had missed them. Ruairi's letter though, left with jen, made me cry. I feel so lucky to have experienced these friendships, and to have been a part of this beautiful life. I also got the year book today, and those pictures, those captions and those words, made me realise that this season will never be over, it will long live in our hearts, and will extend into the future when we are scattered around the globe. Yannis reminded me I will never be lonely as long as one of us is around, as he sent out that email to the list and as he welcomed me with his kind smile and his wit. Nessie and Naty are away, so are Rob and Ruairi. But they were all in my thoughts over the past few days. These 4 days have been really strange, I feel like I am never leaving in a way, as I have Oxford in my heart, my friends and even tarbouch friends treated me like family and made me feel secure and loved. Ironically, Rami is leaving for good tomorrow too, seems Tarbouch is welcoming a new season as well.

For long I tried to convince myself I am still sane. It suddenly hit me tonight - seeing off Tim at the train station - that life is not about being sane at all. Maybe life is really about living. As words were floating in the air on St Gile's road, I was breathing them in. I was breathing in the air of this summer night of Oxford, which happens to be my very last night in oxford. Maybe life is also about timing, and about the vibes. Maybe we all see a part of our soul in others, even if we are pretending to be a cool noone in zuma sipping over a glass of cosmo. Maybe life IS really about living, in which case I am not the best person to comment on it, specially when I walk out the station, close my eyes and let the cool breeze wipe my tears..

Goodbye me, the me who lived in Oxford. Sometimes, you should just put the blinders on and move on, the wind will dry your tears anyway. Tonight, I feel so place-less, yet so at home in this big world. Overwhelmed by feelings and emotions, I am just so grateful for the beautiful moments that life has granted me. Good night Oxford, sweet dreams and bright days ahead.. I still believe in dreams, and maybe this is why I have to leave you. You will always be in my heart, always.

Good night Oxford, Goodbye me, the me who lived this dream...
O xxx

Time to go...

I can't believe I am writing the very last words from this room, which is now empty. Packed and ready to go, I can't help this strange feeling of holding on to memories. Yesterday at the SMR house where we had the goodbye BBQ, it just hit me that no matter how great the future would be, I am never going to get over my Oxford memories, not only because of the great time we shared and the things we learnt every single moment, but mainly because I have gotten to know some unique people and have made lifetime priceless friends here. Hugs and tears, being tackled and poured champagne over our faces, laughters, the smell of grass and grill, the exclusive smell of the SMR house and corridors, games, photos and finally the sunset, were all telling me that it is soon time to go. Maybe that is why I didn't want to go home, and why we ended up in BarRisa. I can't say how I felt when I saw even Ioanniss who has tons of work to do, came along. At one point, I just looked at us and thought I had it all, I had all my college friends there (though couldn't help missing Naty all the time), I had Shiva there, I had the SMR house, I had a chapter of beautiful life, I had all these tender feelings in my heart, what more could I ask for? It is just this thing, this rule, that all good things come to an end. Some of us will be seeing each other soon again, Rob, Gerardo, Naty, Siva, Ioannis, Sandeep, Sarah and probabely Alex, Dan and Vanessa. But some are off to other places, and the irony is I just realised they are people who you really want to see again. Life is such a mystery. I am wondering what is lying behind all that happened in the past few months, and how I am going to get the point of each encounter, each moment. I also got the most unforgettable bike ride from Ruairi, all the way from SMR to BarRisa, and feeling the cool breeze on my face, I was thinking to myself if I am ever going to forget this twenty first of June night.

There are still lots of questions, why some things happen at certain times, why some things are so unique that you can't get them out of your head, why good things always come to an end and why I am feeling so strange on my last Oxford night. I am longing to go home, and can't wait to see my family. But at the same time, it is not easy to close an extremely beautiful chapter of your being, and say goodbye to this turning point of your life...

Shiva called and told me she couldn't see me off at the station because it will break her down, and her voice was trembling. We both decided it is better this way, I hate that station scene, and it will be really difficult for her too. Last night was fantastic, I had my best friends around, and I felt so graeful to have lived this life, to have been so privilaged to have known special people and beautiful souls from which I have learnt a lot about myself. But even last night came to an end. When Ruairi left the college, and when I went back to the MCR, I realised the night is over, and I have hours left to my flight. Some realisations are hard to digest, and this was one of them.

Now, sitting in the empty room 24 of staircase four, I am writing my very last words of St Peters' college. I spent the morning writing some cards for Nessie, porters, shiva and others. I can't believe I have to finish here. I look outside the window, look at the quad, and then at the sky. Future is calling me, so is home. It is just hard to control my tears...
This is how the first Kooch was supposed to finish, and I am grateful for every single moment of it. Yes, it is good to leave when things are great, and I can't ask for anything greater than this...

Goodbye St Peters', Goodbye the green quad, and goodbye Oxford... I will be visiting again, but I am not your girl anymore, or will I be? Who knows. Life is such a funny story, maybe one day I will be back again, and you will embrace me again...Goodbye cubblestones, goodbye locked bicycles around the rad cam, goodbye rain, goodbye sunshine, goodbye long black gowns, goodbye formal halls and high tables, goodbye guest nights, goodbye the MCR, goodbye BBQs, goodbye SMR, goodbye friends, goodbye the most beautiful bench of Oxford, goodbye Big K!, goodbye New Inn Hall Street, goodbye Nature!, goodbye ChCh meadows, goodbye Tarbuch nights, goodbye old cafe's, goodbye magics, goodbye wonders, goodbye tender moments, goodbye ...

Orkideh - 1:35 pm
22 June 05
St Peters' College

My street ... 

Radcliffe Camera 

View from the most beautiful bench in Oxford...
Courtesy of Ruairi :)

Four days of no sleep in a row.. Naty left, and Ruairi finished exams which meant we ended up in Bridge, and then Thursday was the Ladies day in York, at Ascot races. I am so grateful to Richard, my mentor who invited me to Ascot and put a beautiful end to my UK experiences. The day was beautiful and the royal family were there too, to give a parade in the beginning of the races. Arriving at Oxford in the late evening, I couldn't resist joining my friends for some good one hour of laughter. And then yesterday was my last official visit from London, which ended in Zuma after a tiring day of official works. There in Zuma, for some peculiar reason, I found out a lot about myself, pondering about who I can really be, and who I have never been. It was such a unique day of just looking at London, beautiful and sunny and hot (yes, summer is finally here), sitting at cafe Crepiere on Barret St, behind Selfridges, and writing for myself. That spanish man who was playing the acardeon, that embracing sunshine and London, was all I could call Life. London, beautiful and seductive, lying down und the sunshine, telling me how far I have gone and how far I have to yet go...
Here on my desk, there is a box of matches from Zuma, on which I have written 17.06.05, so that I will never forget who I can be.

O xxx

Even there dancing at Bridge, I hadn't believed it was really Naty's goodbye night. So hard did we try not to talk about leaving and missing each other last night. We danced and laughed, hopeing that the night would never end. It just hit me a few minutes ago, when she left staircase four, and walked away in the quad. She came to my room for some last minute goodbye, and seeing her off downstairs, was the most difficult part of these farewells. I know we will be close, I know she is a lifetime friend, I know we will be in the same country again, I know all that. But still, today I had to say goodbye to this "Naty and I" chapter of Oxford, to the St Margaret's House life, to the late nights of talking and drinking tea, to those good days and those bad days we shared, to those midnights when I could knock on her door and she could knock on my door, to the night that I practiced my Pablo Neruda presentation with her, to those Guest nights and our frantic evenings of dressing up, to those lunches at La Bella Pasta, to those photos of a lifetime, to our endless conversations about life and love, to those moments that we shared our dreams and fears with each other and to this unique life of Oxford which wouldn't have been as unique, had I not found a friend with a golden heart and a beautiful soul. I wish I could tell her today how much I have learnt from her, how much of myself she has taught me, how much happiness she has granted me and how much support she has provided me with. I wish I could immortalise these moments, I wish I could keep these eternal memories somewhere safe in my heart. She is gone, so will I be, as well as others. Next week we are having a shared goodbye party, Ruairi and Rob and I. These nights are the nights of goodbye drinks and future contact plans. I have a feeling that our paths will cross, or maybe it is in my heart that these people and these friends will always live. I hate saying goodbye, and bursting into tear, I wrote in Naty's card that I refused to say goodbye. Instead, I shall just say: Till later...
Thanks Naty, for being there for me, for making this Kooch a different one, for making me know my real self, for believing in me, for crying with me, for sharing with me your pains, for letting me share with you my worries, for telling me magical words when I was lost, for laughing at me when I was silly, for being you, and for being there since the first days of St Margaret's life, and for not saying goodbye, I hate it too.. Let's just say: Hasta luego, hasta manana..
I am proud of you, and I know that watching you fly, is more beautiful than having you by my side. I will be proud of you, always, and whenever I hear about the UN, I will feel proud of my genious friend who is going to introduce cheesy music to the United Nations...
Fly !

O xxx

I need words, I am running out of words these days.. Time is still running ahead of me, and here I am, sitting here looking at this quad which is suddenly so empty.. This is how I am finding each place, each day, suddenly empty. Suddenly we are not there anymore, but this college and this quad are, and will always be.

Richard Head's memorial, Rob and Andy's brilliant lectures, My Persian rug, my funny speeches, photos, the cool breeze, the beautiful summer night, the music room and the opening of the memorial, the grass, time, trinty and Nature...
There is a lot lying in the heart of each moment, and suddenly even moments will be gone, empty and far.

I am running out of words, even in my own language...

Cambridge ...

We finally made it, the Cambridge trip and the ceremony of Nature! We couldn't get a better day for it, sunny and beautiful.. And I will never forget this great day of walking over the bridge of Sigh, eating at the Anchor and punting on Cam river. Punting was probabely the best part of our tour, with Nessie losing the pole, with Ruairi braving his first punting experience and with loads of wine and chocolate. We all agreed on the conclusion that Cambridge is somehow smaller, more beatiful and greener, but less of a city than Oxford. Personally, I still choose Oxford over Cambridge, because of being much closer to London and its more vivid life style. But all in all, Cambridge was beautiful, and we made the best of our day trip... Thanks to Rob for being the Boss, thanks to Ruairi for the words of wisdom, thanks to Nessie for leaving the pole in the mud, thanks to Rahul for the chocolates and the box of scottish short bread, thanks to Alex for remembering I am not a beer fan, thanks to Anges for leaving us behind when punting, and thanks to the warmest day of the year so far...
This is how we fnally made it to cambridge...

Nature !

O xxx